Why Are You Single?

I’ve been single for the last three years and while the rest of my peers have gotten engaged, married and had babies, I’ve become more single, if that were such a thing. Dating has become more complicated and chore-like.

No wonder we are turned off by first dates. Good ones or bad ones, you never know if it will get you closer to coupleville or further away from it. Then you realize you’ve spent months or even years stuck in singlehood.

But the most asked question is why? Couples can’t understand the difficulty of coupling because they forget how hard it was before they met mr and miss right. And single people have had it with this question. It drives us fucking nuts. “Why are you single?” Don’t you think if we knew the answer to that question we’d try to fix it?

So why are you single?

The short answer:
– Guys are assholes/Girls are bitches
– Guys are commitment phoebes/Girls are high maintenance
– Guys play games/ Girls play games

The real answer:
I don’t know

So why are you single again? Why am I single?

Here’s the truth or what I’ve fabricated as the truth:

1. Communication is awful – How ironic it’s the age of communication and we suck at communicating.

2. There are too many choices – I blame the internet, social networking and sexting.

3. Vanity – We are too into ourselves to make time for someone else (I’m looking at you Selfie).

If you’ve mastered the dating game and find yourself coupled you’re either more evolved than the rest of us or just plain lucky.

So if you have some answers or would like to ramble please comment below.

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The Mixed Signal Dating Epidemic

Men make up their minds about what you’re going to be, even before the first date. And once their minds are made up there’s really nothing you can do to change it, no matter how hard you try. So before you even walk through that door, a guy has already decided of he’s going to just have fun with you or if he’s in for the long run. Nothing will change this.

But women on the other hand, do not go into a first date with their mind already made up. It’s not that we don’t know what we want, we usually do, but we can be convinced otherwise, depending on how the events play out. By the fifth date and often sooner, a girl makes one of three decisions.

1. I want this guy to be my boyfriend.

2. I’m done with this guy.

3. This guys fun to hook up with but I don’t want to be serious with him (usually The least chosen option).

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To most guys options one and three are blurred, and that’s not the woman’s fault…it’s his. In his mind there are many similarities between 1 and 3, but to women there is a clear difference. What happens, is that men send us mixed signals. If you only want option 3 don’t act like option 1. What do guys do to confuse us? Let’s look at a few examples:

Guy Does: Introduce us to friends.

Girl Thinks: This guy really likes me. He wants his friends’ approval. He clearly wants me around.

 

Guy Does: Goes on multiple dates with said girl in a week.

Girl Thinks: He must really like me. He’s devoting so much of his time to me.

 

Guy Does: Talks about things you will do together in the future.

Girl Thinks: if he’s planning on doing this with me in 6 months from now, he clearly wants me to be his girlfriend.

 

Guy Does: Buys snacks to leave at your place. Or leaves anything at your place.

Girl Thinks: He’s planning to spend a lot of time here.

 

Guy Does: He introduces you to his mother.

Girl Thinks: This is serious.

 

Yet, a guy can give you all these signals, and he’s not sending you home, he’s sending you back to the dugout.

 

What It’s Like Being Single on New Year’s Eve

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It seems that as the weather gets colder, people start coupling up.  I don’t know if it’s the holiday spirit of love and togetherness that traps them or the desperate need for a cuddle buddy. Whatever it is, us single suckers are left behind to fend for ourselves in the jungle of life. What are we supposed to do? Just sit around while couples have the time of their lives? Do we look the other way and pretend this is all just a sick joke that’s been played on us?  Do we drown ourselves in bottle of champagne? Absolutely!  Or, we can embrace our single freedom! And New Year’s Eve can be the perfect time to do it – new year, new you.

Somewhere in the New Years Eve handbook there is a disclaimer that says:

(1) This going to be the best night of the year!

(2)  You must drink as much champagne as possible

(3)  That you must kiss someone at midnight.

Get over yourself New Year’s Eve, who do you think you are?!  New Year’s Eve is so overrated. Sure it’s fun when you’re a kid because you get to stay up late and sneak a glass of champagne. For everyone else it’s just another night to spend money and go out. I can do that any night and have a better time, drink better liquor and spend a hell of a lot less. I know you must be thinking,  “Stop being a bitch, you’re just jealous.” Well of course I am!

When I asked all my single friends what they were doing for New Years about two weeks ago, no one had a clue. Meanwhile, all the couples had plans for the last month, even if they were staying home. All of my single friends were like “Eh, what are you doing?” We just shrug our shoulders, and go out because it’s socially unacceptable not to, and that we might as well start a new year with a friend and some strangers rather than be ALONE ON NEW YEAR’S EVE (talk about depressing). And if you are single on New Year’s Eve, whatever you do, DO NOT SPEND NEW YEARS WITH COUPLES. This will only add to your already somber evening. And if you really want to torture yourself be sure to check Facebook on New Year’s Day for all the engagement posts!

If you are going to follow disclaimer number two of the New Year’s Eve handbook, just know that you will have a hangover all New Year’s Day and that you may not make it to midnight. Trust me, I know from experience. If you’re going to do it and live to tell the story, don’t go for the cheap shit.

And as for kissing someone at midnight, try chatting them up around 11:30 p.m., so it’s a natural transition in your conversation. And if you can’t find anyone, just do a shot!

All jokes aside, have a great night, and a happy 2014. If you have any great stories from the night I’d love to hear about them. And I promise more snarky and more frequent posts in 2014.

P.S. You will know you had a great New Years if you end up with a gem like this circa 2008.Image

Want to get away? Try the Facebook Vacation

If you’re looking to get away this holiday season, it may cost you nothing except your “social life.”Image

A few weeks ago, I received a text from my cousin telling me if I need to reach her, to text because she’s taking a Facebook Vacation. No, she’s not sitting in a lounge chair on the beach with Facebook by her side like Stan’s mom did with the shake weight on South Park. She’s actually taking a vacation from using Facebook regularly. This is not the first I’ve heard of such a phenomenon. Only a month ago I was trying to invite my friend to an event and I couldn’t find her on Facebook. I thought; did Facebook do that thing where it de-friended one of my friends again? But when I couldn’t find her just by searching, I thought something bad happened, as if not being on Facebook is a death sentence. I texted her immediately; by the way people in their twenties don’t really “call” people anymore even if it a quasi emergency. Guess what? She was on a Facebook Vacation too! The only time I have taken the so-called Facebook vacation is when I’ve actually been on vacation.

But this Facebook Vacation is becoming a trend. I see more and more people posting on Facebook that they’re taking a break. According to a Pew Research Study, 61 percent of Facebook users take breaks and more plan to do so in 2014. So why are all these people dropping off the face of the virtual planet? A few reasons come to mind.

  1. People are sick of seeing other people happy! (Engagements, Marriages, Birth Announcements)
  2. It’s a waste of time. The average amount of time Facebook users spend on the site in a given month is 15 hours and 33 minutes.
  3. No one likes complainers either – who told you could do that on here?
  4. We really don’t need to know the weather; there are apps for that.
  5. I swear if I get one more game request from someone on Facebook, they are being wiped off my virtual planet! They’re annoying and I don’t want any part of them – talk about time wasters.
  6. We have instagram for photos and twitter for news. Hmm, what’s Facebook for nowadays? I forget.
  7. I’m too busy for this.
  8. I haven’t been watching any of my shows and I know all of them will be ruined on my newsfeed.
  9. I just need a break. “Facebook, I think we should see other people.”

Will this trend of de-friending Facebook become its death? If 61 percent of users are already doing it, more will follow, and it could be bad news for Facebook. But we all need a break sometimes, maybe not just from Facebook, but from social networks in general. All that egotism is rotting our brains.

So while you’re making your holiday plans and spending time with family and friends – think about it; maybe it’s time you took that Facebook Vacation. You deserve it!

Why Group Texts Are Obnoxious

 

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When you feel that urge of nostalgia towards AIM, and you pick up your phone to start a group text, you may want to think twice. First, you need to ask yourself, does everyone in this chat know each other? If yes, please continue reading. If no, please NEVER start a group chat again, and continue reading. I HATE when I am included in a group text and I get random texts from people I don’t know.  This is especially annoying when you send out a group message wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving or Merry Christmas. You are then bombarded with well wishes from strangers all day,  and you’re like WTF? Who are you and why are wishing me well?! SO inconsiderate!

What gets really confusing is when not everyone in the chat has the same type of phone. Next ask yourself…does everyone have an iPhone in this chat? Or are there some Droids or Blackberries too?  If yes…continue chatting with your hearts desire. If No, proceed with CAUTION.

Let me flashback to a time known as the 2011 MLB playoffs, and when Blackberry was the “it” phone. The Yankees were playing the Detroit Tigers, and I receive a text from my uncle that says; “Let’s Go Yankees.” P.S. I had no idea this was a mass text sent to all the Yankee fans in his contacts, because he had an iPhone and I had a Blackberry, which meant I couldn’t tell I was part of a group text.  So naturally I reply. Then a few minutes later I receive a text from a number I don’t recognize, but I think it must be someone I know. And then it hits me, this is my niece who was 11 at the time. She didn’t have a cell phone but had an iPod touch that was able to send texts, but I never added it to my contacts. So, I write back another Yankee chant. The conversation continues and then starts to get weird.

“My Niece:” You should take me to a game sometime.

Me: Hopefully, one day soon.

“My Niece:” Will you buy me a hot dog?

For some reason the “will you buy me a hot dog?” triggered something in my brain that said; wait a minute, this isn’t your niece, she would never say that. So I text back, “who is this?” And it turns out to be one of my uncle’s friend I never met, which means I talked to a stranger for 30 minutes, not knowing it was a stranger!  And why? All because of a GROUP TEXT!

There are some other hazards of group texting, you need to be aware of like:

  1. All of a sudden having 50 messages and thinking “OMG, What happened? Is it the zombie apocalypse?”
  2. Not being able to keep up with who’s talking to who.
  3. Those two people who are having their own conversation but decide to let everyone else listen.
  4. That person who forgets they are in a group text and divulges information that should have only went to one person in the group…Oops!
  5.  That person who no matter what the subject is, never responds.
  6. Those group texts that start as an invite, and then still includes the people not going to the event on all of the messages.
  7. Those people who have a side chat about the group chat, because some things are just too crazy not to gossip about… wait, this is actually the best thing about group chats.
  8. That person that sends a sext to the group instead of someone special. I just made this up, but I’m sure it’s happened to someone!
  9. That chat you start;  to tell all your besties big news, and you include some of the people you already told, because you don’t want other people to think you’re not talking to them.

Next time you send a group text; think! Does everyone really need to know, want to know and know each other?

If you have any more cautionary tales of group texts, I’d love to hear them!

 

The Niche Online Dating Scene

I always thought the point of online dating was to expand your pool of options; to be able to find love or lust despite your geographic location. So many people are sick of meeting potential bachelors and bachelorettes at the local watering hole, where the drinks are the only thing convincing you to talk to that guy with the grimy hair and salacious grin. So they try their hand at online dating but there are so many choices nowadays. Which dating site do you choose?

Recently, it has come to my attention that there is now a niche-dating scene online. These sites are geared towards common interests and fantasies, and they’re trying to pry open the hearts of all the single suckers they can find. Forget about match.com & OkCupid! Come find love at DATE A COWBOY!

A few weeks ago these ads started popping up in my news feed, of a guy in a cowboy hat taking a selfie that said, “How would you like to date a cowboy?” And I thought:

“Facebook? How did you know I’ve dated a cowboy (which is any guy from Texas)?

“But Facebook, I didn’t divulge this information to you.”

“Seriously I didn’t even realize I liked cowboys until I went to a rodeo two years ago.”

“Ugh it was those rodeo pictures and all those status updates!”

“Well played Facebook…well played.”

So I may have clicked on one or two ads to read people’s comments because I was curious. But then, I finally got lassoed, and ventured onto the site and stumbled upon this gem: “ #1 Cowboy Dating Community on the Net.” You mean this isn’t the only one?

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There are sites for everything from the kinky to the strange to the “there’s more than one of you?” So if you are one of those people who is looking for the mirror image of yourself, there’s likely a site that will set you up. And if you are one of those people who has a laundry list of requirements for meeting Mr. Right, then niche dating may be for you.  Buzzfeed actually did a great list of these niche-dating sites back in February.

But doesn’t finding someone who is your opposite or same sex clone lose some of the appeal and excitement, of meeting a new person and getting to know them? And what about opposites attract? Is there a way to find your total opposite? I guess on any site you can find a 0% match, but I had no luck finding a site for that exact purpose.

So what do you think? Is niche dating a new trend and would you give it a shot?

For right now, I’m sticking to the good old fashioned watering hole.

The Rules to Survive A Night Out on Halloween

IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN, when the inner hot mess or vixen comes out in all of us. No I’m not talking about the yearly drunken stupor that happens on New Years Eve or St. Patrick’s Day…I’m talking about Halloween.  Whether it’s hiding behind a mask or makeup, Halloween is the one time of year where you can be someone or something else. If you thought dating confidence was high, when hiding behind a computer screen, think about what it’s like when you’re hiding behind a costume.

“Putting on a mask lets people drop their inhibitions and step outside of themselves for an evening. People in costumes often say and do things they probably wouldn’t say or do in their everyday life.”

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Every year we turn the calendar to October 31st, the costumes get sexier and the expectations get higher. As an adult, Halloween has really become an excuse to drink, role-play and face your fears. You can be anyone but you.

Ladies, if you want to get some attention, this is your chance. You can wear minimal clothing and no one will judge you! Obviously it’s Halloween, what else would you be besides a “sexy something?”  But don’t think that doesn’t come with a price. If you go out as that “sexy something”, you will likely get hit on.  It may not be by the wannabe rock star or the hunky fireman, but it will happen. And if you aren’t going to welcome the unsolicited comments, you should dress as the least sexy thing possible, which is nearly impossible nowadays – they even make a sexy chucky doll costume.

Some Tips for Halloween Night (from your Halloween expert):

  • Be Confident, but not too confident.
  • Don’t be naïve. If you look like a whore, you may be treated like one.
  • Get away with what you can, but don’t break the law. Your costume may make you feel like you can get away with anything, but remember this is still real life.
  • Stay together. Never separate from your friends. And most importantly don’t say you’ll be right back (why? yes I had to plug one of my all time favorites).
  • Remember most people are not looking to meet their husband or wife on Halloween night.
  • Just because you’re an adult, it doesn’t mean you can’t channel your inner child.

Remember confidence and cockiness are at an all time high ,when everyone is playing dress up, so if you thought the comments I received in my first post online were bad, then prepare to be scared. Then again that’s what Halloween’s all about.

One more piece of advice: Watch out for the cowboys!  Just think back to Kelly from Beverly Hills 90210 on Halloween circa 1991.

Don’t fall for the tricks and savor the treats, you’re in for a mysterious night.